So it has been just about 18 months since I had my baby girl. During the first year I suffered from post-partum depression. To help me cope, I wrote. This is something I wrote while depressed. This is not like my usual funny posts. It's a serious one. I feel that it should be read by others so other new mom's will know the real story of depression after baby. Just a warning....for those of you that may actually personally know me, please don't be offended by anything I wrote. I was not in a good place...and THANK GOD I'm better now!
What they don't tell you..new mom's dirty little secret
Why did people not tell me how crappy the first few months are after having a baby? Did they think that it would scare me off to having kids? (they would be correct) Did they just not have as bad a time than I did? Or did they just forget? I vow to NEVER forget.
Yes I am going to have more children, so don't go thinking i will be done with this one...although if I could guarantee my daughter not growing up to be a brat or lonely i would totally stop at one. But I'm beginning to think that this is a dirty little secret that new moms don't want to let others know because in some way they are bad people for feeling it.
Well screw it. I'm going to say it. When my baby was born Nov 3rd, 2010 at 8:44pm, the first thought I had other than 'Holy crap my undercarriage has been set on fire and there will be nothing left!' Was 'THANK GOD ITS OVER!' Apparently I said something else out loud that was more on the lines of cutesy 'i can't believe she's mine' sigh. Roll the eyes.
When I was in the hospital it was fine other than dealing with my parents who were pissed that they missed the birth of their grand baby because I didn't call them fast enough to drive 13hrs and be there when she popped out...It was when I got home that it set in. The first 2 weeks were hard but we had people coming over and feeding us and visiting. But then they stopped coming. We were left with just me, hubby, who went back to work and this stranger that would not stop crying, pooping, eating, sleeping....every 2 hrs.
Since the hubby went back to work, it was just me and my daughter. An isolation set in. Like this dark cave that you can't see the light of day and have no concept of time anymore. Was it morning? Evening? When did I eat last? Have I showered this week? Is my baby sleeping or did she get SIDS?! oh she moved....ok she's sleeping....
Slowly I began to loose myself. My hobbies, my style, my dreams....gone. Nothing but a shell of a person who has now become a human cow quite literally.
People would call now and then or we would see my husbands' family or a few of my close friends and they would ask me how it's going....I was never fully truthful with them. I would always say it's fine or 'Its Going!' One time i opened up to some of my close girlfriends and they acted like I was crazy for not adoring my beautiful baby girl. So I stopped opening up to them.
I would just cry some days....just cry. I was so tired. A numbness came over me....I felt indifferent to everything. nothing really mattered. My job was to be this girl's mother and this man's wife. Period. I talked with my husband about it sometimes but not in detail. I would say, dont' worry I'll be fine. It's just a stage, a season.... and it was for the most part.
As my girl got older, some things got better. As she started smiling at me then giggling I would get happy again. She started to respond to me and slowly stole my heart. About 3 months later I started to really feel love for my baby. That thing some new mom's say was instant they set eyes on their kiddo....yeah, it wasn't the case with me. The kicker is that I seriously lucked out with my baby. She's happy, smiling, laughs all the time, wants to play by herself and is so beautiful I can't believe it. She goes to bed at 7:30pm and wakes up at 6:30 with no interruptions...and yet... it's still there. That numbness. It seeps in sometimes. There will be days that she will fuss or play or whatever and I just want to scream and go take a nap....or I'll just hold her and stare at a wall feeling nothing.
They call it the baby blues...what a nice name for such a horrible feeling. My baby is turning 9 months tomorrow and it feels like I've come a long way since the beginning....but i still feel like I have so far to go. I will beat this, whatever it is. And my daughter will only know that her mother loves her more than life itself. Even though she feel dead inside.
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| not even coffee made me happy :( |
What they don't tell you..new mom's dirty little secret
Yes I am going to have more children, so don't go thinking i will be done with this one...although if I could guarantee my daughter not growing up to be a brat or lonely i would totally stop at one. But I'm beginning to think that this is a dirty little secret that new moms don't want to let others know because in some way they are bad people for feeling it.
Well screw it. I'm going to say it. When my baby was born Nov 3rd, 2010 at 8:44pm, the first thought I had other than 'Holy crap my undercarriage has been set on fire and there will be nothing left!' Was 'THANK GOD ITS OVER!' Apparently I said something else out loud that was more on the lines of cutesy 'i can't believe she's mine' sigh. Roll the eyes.
When I was in the hospital it was fine other than dealing with my parents who were pissed that they missed the birth of their grand baby because I didn't call them fast enough to drive 13hrs and be there when she popped out...It was when I got home that it set in. The first 2 weeks were hard but we had people coming over and feeding us and visiting. But then they stopped coming. We were left with just me, hubby, who went back to work and this stranger that would not stop crying, pooping, eating, sleeping....every 2 hrs.
Since the hubby went back to work, it was just me and my daughter. An isolation set in. Like this dark cave that you can't see the light of day and have no concept of time anymore. Was it morning? Evening? When did I eat last? Have I showered this week? Is my baby sleeping or did she get SIDS?! oh she moved....ok she's sleeping....
Slowly I began to loose myself. My hobbies, my style, my dreams....gone. Nothing but a shell of a person who has now become a human cow quite literally.
People would call now and then or we would see my husbands' family or a few of my close friends and they would ask me how it's going....I was never fully truthful with them. I would always say it's fine or 'Its Going!' One time i opened up to some of my close girlfriends and they acted like I was crazy for not adoring my beautiful baby girl. So I stopped opening up to them.
I would just cry some days....just cry. I was so tired. A numbness came over me....I felt indifferent to everything. nothing really mattered. My job was to be this girl's mother and this man's wife. Period. I talked with my husband about it sometimes but not in detail. I would say, dont' worry I'll be fine. It's just a stage, a season.... and it was for the most part.
As my girl got older, some things got better. As she started smiling at me then giggling I would get happy again. She started to respond to me and slowly stole my heart. About 3 months later I started to really feel love for my baby. That thing some new mom's say was instant they set eyes on their kiddo....yeah, it wasn't the case with me. The kicker is that I seriously lucked out with my baby. She's happy, smiling, laughs all the time, wants to play by herself and is so beautiful I can't believe it. She goes to bed at 7:30pm and wakes up at 6:30 with no interruptions...and yet... it's still there. That numbness. It seeps in sometimes. There will be days that she will fuss or play or whatever and I just want to scream and go take a nap....or I'll just hold her and stare at a wall feeling nothing.
They call it the baby blues...what a nice name for such a horrible feeling. My baby is turning 9 months tomorrow and it feels like I've come a long way since the beginning....but i still feel like I have so far to go. I will beat this, whatever it is. And my daughter will only know that her mother loves her more than life itself. Even though she feel dead inside.
